I knew that this was coming, so I shouldn't exactly be surprised. It's filthy outside, between the blistering cold and the overcast days. The sun hasn't properly shined in longer than I care to remember. As the wind blows harder, I turn more inwards. It's like clockwork. The cold weather hits with a vengeance, and I start going into full hermit mode.
And it's not that I dislike being with people. I'm generally happy when I'm around people whose company I enjoy. It's why I love working where I do--I genuinely like the people I work with, and being there is a pleasure and not a pain. Same thing goes for visiting my friends, having friends come visit me, being close with my husband, spending time with him, and doing things people-related.
All those feelings are fleeing. I'm finding reasons to cut things short. To go home early. To get off from work at the very moment that I start feeling a little shaky. The worst is that I know there's more to be done, and I'd like to have a few minutes at the end of the day to review with my boss, but I feel so frayed at the edges that I just want to be out of there as fast as I can, so I can huddle under my covers and pretend that I never woke up. I can even feel the threads of my grip on things start to come unravelled, and I know that if I don't make a quick exit, I'm going to have some kind of emotional, sobbing meltdown.
I get home, I make dinner, I talk to my husband for a few minutes, and then I retreat from everything. Either I'll read or do something else that doesn't involve being with others.
To get past this, I'm really pushing myself to have people over. Last week, we had friends from the neighbourhood come to hang out on Thursday. Then on Saturday, my boss and his son came over to hang out for a bit. So far, this week has been more or less solitary, but Saturday I'm going to teach a cooking class to a very lovely lady. Then next weekend, starting Friday early in the morning, Puppy and I are going to Virginia to visit my brother and sister.
I'm hoping really hard that it ends up being sunny out there, because these overcast days have me in a pretty nasty funk that I'm really ready to be over already.
